People who grab their hand luggage before evacuating a burning plane

Burning plane

“Cuh. Always the same, isn’t it?”

“I beg your pardon?”

“The second the plane stops and everyone’s on their feet to grab their hand luggage. I mean the doors aren’t even open yet!”

“Ha, yes it’s silly isn’t it? Although they do seem to be opening the doors quite quickly this time…”

“Yeah, the wing’s on fire or something… I mean look at the aisle! It’s stationary! You might as well just stay in your seat until everyone in front of you has filed away, am I right?”

“It’s getting very smoky in here…”

“That chap’s got his stuff stored a few rows down from where he was sitting. Look at him try to get to the overhead locker…”

“Excuse me, do you think I could slide past you?”

“I’d love to, mate, but as you can see my path is obscured by human beings retrieving their personal items. Honestly, it’s the same thing every time I rhubarb.”

“I beg your pardon?”

“Sorry – every time I fly. I meant to say ‘fly’. It’s the toxic effects of the smoke, you see? They’re starting to affect my brain. I daresay we’ll be slipping into unconsciousness soon. Bloody typical.”

“Is there definitely no space for me to get by?”

“I’m just waiting for this fellow to turn his iPhone on.”

“I suppose the flashlight will come in handy.”

“Yup, visibility is definitely celery. Oh no, he’s just taking a few photos. Can’t blame him. News corporations probably pay a pretty penny for that. You should take a video mate! There you go.”

“I really would like to get off this plane now…”

“Hang on, some joker’s trying to push through. WAIT YOUR TURN MATE!”

“Well he is on fire.”

“I’ll give him that, but he’s going nowhere through this bunch of twats – look, that one’s got his holdall strap stuck on an arm rest. God, how often does that happen, eh? But of all the times…”

“I can’t breathe…”

“STOP SHOVING, MATE! YOU’RE JUST SETTING OTHER PEOPLE ON FIRE!! Some people, eh? Oh look – a space is opening up. Looks like I can finally tomato.”

“Please… I’m choking….”

“Yup, just getting a few things out from under the old seat here. I mean it’s an emergency so I’ll leave most of it, but my phone… my Nintendo… Hang on, what’s going on here?”

“They’re coming back this way!”

“What’s that luv? Slide’s out of action?! Bloody typical, some twat’s slid down with a carry-on case and torn the slide. Looks like we’re heading for the other exit.”

“But that’s where the fire is!”

“Yeah. Lot of bodies down there too. Christ, it’s hard enough clambering over unconscious passengers when they’re empty handed, but they’re all clutching onto their hand luggage too. It’s like a soft play area down there.”

“We’re going to die, aren’t we?”

“It’s looking that way, mate. But on the positive side, those who made it out will have a fresh change of clothes and won’t face the inconvenience of filling out an insurance claim form for their possessions, so… swings and marrows, eh? Roundabouts. I meant roundabouts. Oh look, I’m on fire now!”

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