Signing cards for people in the office you don’t know

greetings cropped

Dear Lisa,

What can I say? No really, what can I say? I’ve been in the office for less than a month and we’ve barely exchanged a syllable. You work over there, next to another bunch of people I don’t know. Is it finance? HR? Frankly, I’ve no idea – no one bothered to introduce us.

But the fact of the matter is I’ve been asked to write a few words to communicate my best wishes to you: a person I don’t know, whose role is a mystery, and to whose strengths and aptitudes I can’t possibly be privy after such a short time in the company. Although judging by the cover of this card, you’re really good at getting pregnant. So well done on that front!

I was also expected to contribute something towards your leaving gift. I’ll be honest, Lisa, this annoyed me somewhat. It’s bad enough being asked to hand over some of my earnings for someone I don’t like  – an assessment that invariably determines my level of financial contribution – but someone I don’t even know? You could be a child-killer for all I know Lisa! (Although I sincerely hope you’re not – especially considering your condition.) I meditated on this briefly while Claire from Accounts dangled the brown envelope expectantly in front of me, before deciding that I would contribute the same amount I occasionally dish out to a homeless person – another stranger I feel guilted into subsidising. Claire thinks I dropped in more, but I cunningly sequestered the largest coin denomination in my palm as I pulled out my hand! That’s a little tip for you Lisa. See, we’re getting to know each other after all!

Anyway, I should probably stop writing now. Claire’s glaring at me and I haven’t left much room for everyone else. Has anyone written ‘All the best’ yet? No? Brilliant…

All the best, MCF x

3 comments

  1. Reblogged this on sboonlondon and commented:
    hilarious!

  2. Ha ha, that reminds me of the Friends’ episode where Ross refuses to chip in $100 for a retiring handyman he’s never met. I like your style with the coin switch, must remember that one…

  3. I had to chip in for presents to a retiring member of staff 3 times – each time I had just joined the staff and was replacing these same members of staff!!!And over here in Malta we give EXPENSIVE presents.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: