Didn’t you read the copy garishly displayed upon the cover?
‘Now a major motion picture’
So why are you considering buying this primitive form of entertainment when there’s a 120 minute version of this story starring Tom Cruise at your local Multiplex?? And – for your viewing comfort – this particular tale you currently hold in your hands has been precied, stripped of subtext, and filled with explosions, thus making it infinitely better and far easier to digest and in a more visual format. Do you know how long it takes to read a book? Ages!! I’m telling you, return this paperback to the shelf and spend the afternoon in a darkened room instead – you’ll be done in 2 1/2 hours including trailers! And the best part?? No reading!! The only thing that’s written down is the credits, and you don’t even have to read those.
Look, reading this book now that the movie poster is on the front will ruin the experience. Even though the book has specifically described the protagonist as blonde, 7 feet tall and built like a brick shit house, you’ll only ever be able to picture Tom Cruise. And everyone on the train will think you only bought the damn thing because it had a movie star on the front. Seriously, the book’s been out for over a decade and you’re only picking it up for a look now? You’ll definitely look like the kind of twat that the whole movie poster/book cover combo is aimed at in the first place. And do you really want to look like the person that literally judges a book by its cover? It’s not even the first book in the series… You’re spoiling the overarching narrative by starting here.
And let’s be honest, if you’re the kind of person who is more likely to buy a book that has a movie poster on the front, you really shouldn’t be reading anyway. It’s not your niche. You’re obviously far happier in the World of Cine, so why not head there? Right now, I mean. Go on, get out the bookshop and spend ten quid at the Odeon instead.
Oh, who am I? I’m from the movie marketing department. We told the book’s publishers that this kind of thing sees a spike in book sales, but actually we’re just interested in turning bookshops into yet another avenue to advertise our new film. Which has a different ending to this book, by the way. A happier ending. With explosions.